It's been a while...

It may seem like I clocked out for a little blog break, and forgot to clock back in. I know. Shame on me! Only two people have even noticed. My favorite Auntie and her coworker, Monica. Thanks, girls! If nobody noticed, I would probably quit for good. Let me sum up the past month:
We had Christmas alone in Virginia Beach. No visit to Missouri/no visitors from Missouri. We mailed our gifts to them and they mailed ours to us. They were great gifts, but I like to be there in person. Our Christmas tree was on its farewell tour, and that was bittersweet. Just for kicks, (partial laziness) we left it glowing until mid-January. I always say that the Christmas spirit hits me right after Christmas, and I think it does. Then, it goes away about the time that we start receiving our tax paperwork in the mail. That's when I go back to thinking that giving is NOT better than receiving, and whoever says giving is better is full of crap! But, I'm sure we'll come out as givers yet again. Maybe they'll receive a check from me that I swiped through my butt crack. Oh, yes! I'm not above this behavior! I have done it once and I'll do it again. Once, we had to pay $2100 to get out of our apartment. We told them two days after the deadline that we were moving (into our first home), and to break the lease, we had to pay 3 months rent. Yikes! First, it was going to be a cat turd (in a separate envelope), but I decided they needed something better. That's when I decided to stick their check where the sun didn't shine (on me). HEE HEE! I hope they opened that envelope and kissed the check! ICK!

Recent funnies

Salute to the Poot

I really meant to post this story immediately after it happened, but I didn't. The husband and I were at Barnes & Noble right before Christmas. The store is pretty busy, and the husband is looking at one of those Magic Eye books describing what he sees on each page. I was really good at those when I was younger, but all I see now is fish-like shapes in about each one. It could be an airplane or hot air balloon, but it always looks like a fish to me. So, I informed him that I had a little gas (he probably rolled his eyes and said "What's new?" but I'm not sure) I asked him if he would be my wingman and cough a couple of times to cover it up. He fake coughed twice pretty loud (he's not a good actor at all - they were totally fake coughs). It went a little something like this...
*COUGH*...*COUGH* (HIM)...*LOUD TOOT* (ME)
So, my toots were on a 2-3 second delay, and we totally missed our mark...uhhh, I missed my mark. By now, the husband's face is BRIGHT red. I told him that he was fired as my wingman, and he said he was glad. I don't think anyone heard, but who knows! The husband said his coughing only brought more attention to the toot and nobody was fooled by it. HEE HEE! I think people were probably drawn to a grown-ass man fake coughing in the middle of the bookstore. I looked at him as if we was the guilty party, just in case someone noticed. This is one of those times when he and I agree that I belong back in the country!

Poopy Picnic (Proper People Prohibited)

The other night, I told the husband that my poo smelled like a rotten picnic (as I was laughing). I couldn't stop laughing, as he looked at me very confused. He told me that he had never heard of a rotten peg leg before and wouldn't know what it smelled like, and wouldn't even guess how I would know what it smelled like. I couldn't stop laughing to tell him what I had really said. Even after I told him "picnic," he wondered why I would compare my poo to a picnic. I guess I think of picnic when I think about the state parks and the poop chutes in their restrooms. It's just a loooooong bucket that everyone's poo and pee goes in. I guess it gets its smell from the variety of poos that go into it. Maybe I had eaten a variety of foods that day, and I had a "miscellaneous" poo smell as opposed to a "certain type of food" poo smell. I don't know.

New Year's Eve

My bestest friend, Jenn, visited for New Year's Eve. We had adult beverages and danced the night away playing my new Dance Dance Revolution SuperNova edition (DDR). The husband also danced with us. He's pretty good! It's so rude that someone would come into my home and play my game and beat me at my own game! Just kidding, Jenn! She's a much better dancer than me! I got this game for Christmas in an effort to lose weight and have fun at the same time. I know that you can't really lose weight by laughing really hard, or I'd be in some sort of anorexic rehab right now, but the silly game makes you sweat like a pig! It's really fun, but I'm getting tired of the same songs all the time! There's probably 20 songs on there now, but you have to "earn" more. That means dancing perfectly on SuperNova fast speed or something. No, thanks. I'm on the beginner level, and I'll probably stay there! The box says "Over 70 Songs" but I have yet to unlock even one additional song. So, I'm stuck with one song each from Kelly Clarkson, David Bowie, Franz Ferdinand and Cyndi Lauper, then a bunch of strange songs. It's a hoot! When we got tired, we sat down and flipped through a bunch of gossip magazines. Ahhhh...now that's my kind of New Year's Eve! We went out on the deck at midnight and tooted (just when you though I had used "poo" and "toot" enough times in one post) our noise makers and watched the fireworks around the area. Most of the neighborhood was gone, so it wasn't too crazy around here.

Jillian's

Last night, we went to Jillian's at Waterside in Norfolk. It's like Chuck E. Cheese for adults. There's food, adult beverages, etc. and all the arcade games you can think of! We always do the funny ones. There's one that you hang on to these two handles and it sends 3,000 watts through your body. It's really just vibrations that are really strong (slightly painful, but not really) The husband and I held on together once, then I did it by myself once. It's so fun! I got all the way to 3,000 watts by myself. My hands were numb afterwards, but it was so worth it! We also did the motorcycle game, where you actually sit on the motorcycle and tilt from side to side as you use the gas and brake. We did similar ones for race cars, jet skis and a bobsledding one, too. It's just a little bucket seat that you sit in, and tilt from side to side as you sled down a hill with snow plows and trees as obstacles. I wanted to do a horse racing one, but it was out of order. I like this Dunk-an-Alien game that's like skee ball, but you are supposed to hit this moving target, and this alien guy falls down and says all of this weird stuff. You earn tickets with that one. Last time, we used our tickets to buy a bunch of crap. The husband got a bunch of plastic paratroopers, I got a rubber duck, an oversized blow-up hammer, Play Doh, and one of those fart cans. It's the slime stuff that you push down in the plastic can, and it makes some nasty sounds. I don't know where it went, though. This time, we gave our tickets to James. He's one of my students, and he turned 21 at midnight. He bought an oversized pen with some of the ticket. It's about the size of a summer sausage (known as "donkey dick" in my family). Sometimes, things that are larger than they should be are really funny! Anyways, we made it until 11:30 or so, and left the party. He had been drinking all night, so midnight wasn't really going to be a big deal. He was planning on riding the mechanical bull at the bar, though. I wish we could have been there for that. HEE HEE!

Well, I'm sure I'll think of lots of stuff that has happened over the past month and post it later, but I think this gives me a good start to get people's attention and to get my two (three on a good day) readers back to reading on a regular basis. :)