My Year of a Million Dreams!

So, Disney has their "Year of a Million Dreams." Well, this is my year of a million dreams! March is just beginning, and I've already had an awesome year! Last week, I got to see George Strait (as if a last name was required). George was in Richmond, and it was so worth the two hour drive with Steve's coworker and friend in the backseat. And, yes, we did have fried chicken in the parking garage. It was not as bad as I expected. I did participate in the fried chicken feast. My hands got greasy, and I did not die. I know - I'm as shocked as anyone! I still don't like fried chicken. I never will. We also had potato salad and rice pudding. How redneck of us, huh? So, we returned to our dwelling early Friday morning following the concert. George seemed tired, so I didn't stick around for him to touch my "no-no" spot. Maybe next time...if there is one. He's one of my favorite people in the entire world, and he's the type of person that I would invite over for biscuits and gravy.

Friday was spend recovering from Thursday night. I didn't drink because I was the driver, and I don't usually consume beer in small or large amounts. Since beer is the beverage of choice at most concerts, I make a great designated driver. We did do a little shopping on Friday to make sure we had the perfect outfits to wear to the PBR on Saturday night. I had a feeling that I would get to see some hunks in Wrangler jeans, so I had to make sure the husband and I looked our best. I got a black shirt and some turquoise jewelry. The husband got a plaid Chaps shirt, which was quite perfect for the occasion. We packed and got things together for our departure to Baltimore early Saturday morning. Baltimore is about four hours away, so we left about 8am and arrived about noon. Chris (my best pal's husband) drove us the entire way. We made a few stops so I could pee. I don't know why, but I had to go a lot that day! At one point, we stopped at a McDonald's just south of DC to use the restroom. After we were all finished, I met everyone near the counter. The husband was ordering a yogurt parfait. Chris, Laura & I were just standing there waiting for him. Some local man (he was "urban") asked Chris if we were from the area. He replied that we weren't locals, and we were just passing through or something. Then, the man proceeded to tell us that there were some good buffets just a couple of exits up the road. Not once did any of us mention a buffet. So, apparently, we look like buffet people that appreciate food in large quantities. Laura and I were both appalled, but still found much humor in the situation! We laughed all the way up there, even though we were a little tired. We got to Baltimore and met up with Laura's cousin and her husband for lunch. I was really excited to meet them! I had seen him on tv many times, and I had heard a lot about her from Laura, so I was glad to finally meet them! It's sort of strange that I knew who he was before I even met Laura. Anywho, he works for the PBR and hooked us up with some amazing tickets and plenty of opportunities for me to meet my favorite bull riders. I got to meet Chris Shivers, J.W. Hart, Adriano Moraes and Brendon Clark. Yeah, it was awesome! We got to go to a Jack Daniels party before the event and partake in some excessive Jack consumption, which allowed us to giggle even more than usual. When we started walking to our seats, we realized we were in the FRONT freaking row. Yeah, our seats were so good, we almost got dirty! And, after the event is over, all the bull riders walk around the fence and sign autographs and pose for pictures and stuff. We got some good ones, even though we were laughing a little too much for most people to hang around us too long. Laura even asked one of them if her cousin (who she mentioned by name, but I won't) had ever helped him (he's a doctor for the bull riders). He just looked at her like she was crazy, then moved on down the line. The husbands and I just died laughing, and we could hardly be serious enough to take pictures after that. I will post some of them later. After everything was over, we went to the hotel bar for some grub, even more beverages, and crazy picture taking with bull riders and such. That's where we got to see Chris Shivers and J.W. Hart. We got a few pictures taken with them, and they were so nice and cooperative. Two pictures didn't turn out, so we had to go back for a third, which worked out just fine. Later, we tried to give them some of our chicken wings, but they didn't want them. They were our leftovers, so I'm sure few people would actually accept them as a token of our appreciation. We had lots of fun, and headed to our rooms sometime between the hours of midnight and 1am. We don't remember much, really. So, at this point, I had met everyone I wanted to meet except for Brendon Clark, who is such a little hunk. I was okay with that, though. I could have lived my life without meeting him, BUT the next morning, there he was at the restaurant for breakfast. I wasn't going to interrupt him while he was eating. Laura's cousin and her husband kept saying that I WAS going to meet him before I left. He came over to our table and talked to them for a while, but I didn't actually get to meet him. Then, we were getting ready to leave and Laura's cousin was talking to him in the lobby, and we got to meet him and Laura and I even got our picture taken with him with her camera phone. He was adorable and he smelled good and he was nice, contrary to what I had heard. But, we interacted for a total of approximately 47 seconds. Everyone can be on their best behavior for 47 seconds. Honestly, I only need 8 seconds with him.

Sunday morning, we laughed when we weren't sleeping during the drive back to VB. We played the alphabet game, which is a favorite when the four of us are in a car together. If you have never played, it goes a little something like this...
Person 1: A is for alligator
Person 2: A is for alligator, B is for bobblehead
Person 3: A is for alligator, B is for bobblehead, C is for critter
Person 4: A is for alligator, B is for bobblehead, C is for critter, D is for doughboy
Etc, etc.
So, by the time you get to Z, you have to recite all 25 prior letters and words. I must admit, we came up with some doozies this trip!

When I arrived home and checked the mail, I had a brochure from Busch Gardens about getting our season passes for this year AND some special events that are coming to the park this year. The brochure said, "Ever wanted to get up close and personal with a penguin?" As I read it, I was saying, "Uhhh...yeah!" Then, I read on and it said that I could meet Jack Hanna. Live. In person. Yep. Jack freaking Hanna! And, you can purchase tickets to eat breakfast with him. Anyone who knows me is fully aware of my love for penguins and my extreme crush on Jack Hanna. Yeah, guess who has tickets? ME! I bought two tickets. If my best friend, Jenn, isn't too knocked up and miserable when it all goes down, she's going to go with me. If she can't go, then the husband is going to try to get off work to go with me. I called my best pal, Laura, to see if she would go with me if Jenn and Steve couldn't. She said that even though she was honored to be my third option, she didn't know if she was going to get a season pass this year, so she would actually have to pay to get into the park. I don't care who goes with me, but I'm going to meet Jack Hanna! And, I'm going to wear a diaper because I just might shit my pants!

My year of a million dreams is starting out quite well, don't you think?

Peace on Earth and Goodwill towards men...and stuff

To me, this is one of the funniest events I have ever witnessed. Okay, it was the most recent funny event, so it ranks high...VERY high.
It's Friday, and I'm riding the elevator up to my office with a coworker I will call "Doofus." I'm wearing dress pants and a shirt I just bought at GAP, that's just as cute as it can be. I'm looking good and feeling similar. Dang, it's Friday! What's better than Friday? Well, Saturday is. But on Friday, it's the best day of the week so far, so it's a pretty awesome day. I look at Doofus, and he's wearing jeans. We NEVER EVER wear jeans on Fridays. We're constantly threatened that jeans on Saturdays will soon be a thing of the past. *sniffle* So, I say, "Doofus, jeans on Friday?" Honestly, I wasn't trying to be an ass or anything, I just thought I had missed a memo or something. He sort of rolled his eyes and said he didn't even realize what day it was. Ummm...correct me if I'm wrong, but Friday is the first of the cool days of the week. Friday is like Coolest Day of the Week Eve, then Saturday is the Coolest Day of the Week, and Sunday is the official Day after the Coolest Day of the Week. It's not a new concept. I've known this information for years. Almost 28 years. It never changes...unless you work shiftwork. Hard work. You know, 7-3, 3-11, 11-7. We don't work shiftwork in higher education. So, he said that our boss, who I will call "Pissface," would just have to "deal with it." If you knew "Pissface," you would know that he doesn't deal well with anything. And, if I know him like I think I do, "Pissface" is not going to handle this jean situation well. Let me add that "Doofus" is wearing a too-big sweater and clunky Timberland looking lumberjack boots with said jeans. He's what I call "urban." So, I go to my office for about 30 minutes. When I need "Doofus" to check on a student's account for me, I can't find him. So, I ask "Pissface" where he is. He said that he was in the bathroom changing clothes. I told "Pissface" that I had noticed his outfit in the elevator, and asked if Mrs. "Doofus" brought him extra clothes. "Pissface" said that he told "Doofus" he could not wear those clothes on a Friday, so "Doofus" asked if he could look for something that might fit him in the Goodwill box. Ummm...we have had this "Dress for Success" box for Goodwill to give business clothes to those less fortunate who are looking for jobs to get off welfare, etc. It's a great cause, but my boss is the only person that's made donations to it. Not because the rest of us are jerks, but because we work in a downtown area, and have to walk a few blocks from where we park to get to our building, then take an elevator up to our offices. Ummm...you can drive through Goodwill's drop-off area and save yourself a heck of a lot of trouble. So, that's what us normal people do. "Pissface" tells "Doofus" to help himself. "Pissface" is about 5'5" and maybe 240 lbs, while "Doofus" is probably 5'9" and maybe 180 lbs.
So, he finds a pair of slacks (or capri pants, if I'm going to be fashionably accurate) and a dress shirt. He kept the lumberjack boots on to complete this horrific ensemble. He actually wore the outfit all day. I thought that he might go home (about 10 minutes away from the campus) on his lunch hour to change, but he acted like he enjoyed his shopping spree a little. If only there had been dress shoes in the box, if "Pissface" ever mentioned to us that we should spend a day in his shoes, I could chime in and say, "Dude, Doofus already did." :) I think I get such a kick out of this story because when I was a child, my school had a lost and found box, and if you pissed/crapped your pants, then you had to get something to wear out of that box, which thankfully, I never did. Most of the time is was bell-bottom corduroys with elastic waists, which were not cool in 1985. You could tell when someone had an accident because they had stupid looking clothes on. So, had I not known better, I would have thought that "Doofus" had crapped his pants on the job.

Valentine's Day

I told the husband that I didn't want any roses for Valentine's Day, because I was going to see George Strait in a couple of weeks for my Valentine's present. I guess I didn't make it clear enough, because I didn't say "Don't send me any FLOWERS." So, he followed orders and didn't send roses, but sent these awesome purple orchids. He's so cute! I didn't get a gift, which I was happy about. I did get a funny card, which is SO him! We're card people. He got me an oversized Wizard of Oz Valentine with Dorothy hugging the Scarecrow on the front, and the inside said something like "I love you so much I could squeeze the stuffing out of you" I hate to tell him that it's not stuffing. I'm big boned. Really. Then, he wrote something incredibly silly on the inside AND drew a silly picture of himself and Jackson. I got him some chocolates, some new clothes, and a card with sound from Hallmark. It has Shrek on the front, and it says something like, "Guess who's been eating your chocolates." When you open it, it lets out a loud, long belch that sounds just like me. It's awesome! I played it on the phone for my best pal, Laura, and she was totally convinced it was me and not a greeting card. It was almost like a personalized card just for me or something. I wrote a mushy little note on the inside, so I appeared a little more serious. Ya know - get the focus more on Valentine's Day and less on the amazing bodily sounds I enjoy hearing and making.

Topless , Tapas, and Socks, OH MY!

It's Mardi Gras, so show me your tits!

Today was an absolutely beautiful day in Virginia Beach! It was in the low 80s and just gorgeous outside. It was the worst possible day to be trapped inside working. I pulled out one of my favorite summer outfits and some adorable strappy heels. My coworker and I went to Keagans for lunch, then I decided to go fill up with gas since my gas light had been on for a couple of days. I park a few blocks away from my building because I work downtown and I hate the parking garages, and there's an actual outdoor parking lot just a few blocks away. Well, as I start walking, the strap on my sandal breaks. I don't make a big deal out of it, but I must concentrate on walking, or I will walk right out of my shoe and look like a complete ass right there in front of everyone. There are restaurants everywhere and people are eating outside because the weather is perfect. When you're walking in between tall buildings, the wind gets really gusty. So, I cross the street and I'm walking in front of California Pizza Kitchen when the wind takes my shirt and places the part that should be covering my stomach and sticks it right to my face. Yes, I had a bare midriff in public for the first time in my life. I also exposed part of my chest to those in the downtown area. Embarrassing? Uhhh...yes. Hilarious? Hell yeah! So, instead of stopping and fixing it, I just kept walking and fixed it as I was walking and giggling. I cracked up at the entire situation. Then, as soon as I got it fixed, a receipt (or two) flew out of my purse. I was a hot mess walking down the street. People that know me know that I can't keep things like this to myself. I must share it with anyone and everyone. I knew I could get Heather on the phone, and I did! It tickled me to get to share my incident with someone that shares my sense of humor. I tried my mom, but she didn't answer any of her numbers, and my Auntie Linda was nowhere to be found, either. I got my husband, but he's not impressed by these stories anymore because shit like this ALWAYS happens to me! I finally got my mom and got to tell her. When I returned to work, I told almost everyone that I work with and even a few of my favorite students. One of the funniest parts is that I've been passing out beads to students this week as they enter their classrooms for Midterms, and I have a necklace with beads the size of baseballs that I wear. People have asked me if I bought them or earned them, and up until today, I couldn't honestly say that I had earned them. But, today, I could be proud to say that I showed my tits!

Tapas

Tonight, the husband and I went out for dinner and had tapas for the first time. It's like a meal of appetizers, which happens to be food and food is a favorite thing of mine, so it's perfect. Tapas = Food, Food = Carrie Happy, so life is good. We get to this place and it's like a dungeon. There is a big bed with pillows where you can sit and eat, about a half a dozen tables and one little cave with a table in it. Weird, huh? It was dark and there were pillar candles burning at every table (not on the bed) and wax was dripping on the tables and some on the floor. So, we sit down and get water and menus. We each order three things. One salad each (me Caesar and him spinach), and I ordered crab cakes and scallops and he ordered some crab and steak something and spinach/crab dip. They bring tapas to your table as they're prepared, so the first thing we get is the crab dip and my "salad." Let me tell you what this salad looked like...It was a 2-inch slice of baguette bread that had been hollowed out. Stuck inside of this crispy bread (which I later found out was the crouton) was four stalks of romaine lettuce, which are standing erect on my triangle plate. Yep - whole stalks of lettuce. Surrounding the large tree and stump of salad was a pond of dressing and some parmesan cheese. So, I had to destroy their beautiful little salad landscape to cut and eat my food. It was really pretty, though, and it even tasted better than it looked! It was awesome, even though I had to pretty much prepare it myself. The crab dip was amazing. The crab cakes were like nothing we had ever eaten before, too. The husband isn't a big crab cake fan and even he loved them. The scallops were topped with mandarin oranges and surrounded by a sea of raspberry smoothie-like gravy. Yum! The beef/crab thing was awesome, too. We ended the evening with chocolate covered strawberries, which were nothing to write home about, but it was an interesting and tasty dinner, even if it was in a scary, fire hazard of a dungeon.

Couples Massage

Last night, the husband and I went for our first ever couples massage. As we're driving there, I remember that my husband is a lot like my father when it comes to grooming his feet. I will get upset with him when I see his toenails at times, so I will cut them for him. I ask him in the car if his toenails were nasty. He said that they are pretty long as I gasp and roll my eyes at him. I tell him how disgusting that is and I would have taken care of them had I known they were (yet again) on the verge of getting him in the Guiness Book of World Records in the category of "World's Yuckiest and/or longest and/or Nastiness Toenails". Then, he reminds me that he has Athlete's Foot and is going to tell the massage lady to stay away from his feet because of his fungus. I am appalled by his lack of tact in this delicate situation. I tell him not to even whisper the word "fungus" to a woman that's going to be rubbing *almost* every inch of his body. I told him that I would be discrete and let them know that he was funny about his feet, so not to touch them. That's reasonable, right? Well, he just said, "Whatever, but I can just tell her about the fungus." I realize that guys just don't give a damn about stuff like that. He would have told the lady anything and wouldn't have been embarrassed at all. I'm SO not like that! So, we get in there and we're both with girls, which is not something I'm thrilled about, but I knew this when the appointment was made. No biggie. I can deal with it...I think. The husband talks to his lady and I talk to mine as we walk towards our double room. At this moment, I still think this is a good idea to get a massage side-by-side. Somewhere in the conversation, my husband tells his lady that he doesn't want his feet touched. When they leave us alone to undress, we're both under the sheets, and I ask him a normal question ("Did you leave your underwear on?") He said that he did, and he left his socks on, too. I get tickled because I didn't realize that he had told the lady not to touch his feet. I say to him, "Well, she oughta get the hint that you don't want your feet touched, huh? Good thinkin'!" Then, I thought that she might think he's some sort of freak or something because who leaves their socks on for a massage, anyways? When I tell him that leaving his socks on is funny, he informs me that he also told her about not touching his feet. So, he had it all worked out and he got his massage while wearing his underwear AND socks. Even though this was our first couples massage, it will probably be our last. I couldn't relax much with him right beside me and his girl telling him to roll over, etc. I got tickled a couple of times when I peeked over at him, because I knew that under that sheet was my husband's body with his underwear and socks. HEE HEE!

Carrie's Gay Weekend 2007, Threesome, etc.

I have amazed myself this weekend! Honestly!
Aunt Linda - I have a feeling this will leave you speechless.

Friday: I went to the doctor to find out I have tonsillitis just in time for a 3-day weekend. I would have bet money that it was strep throat, because I was feeling that icky.

Saturday: I hung out with the gaybors and helped them clean up their condo before they move. (They're moving back to NY next week) Okay...so we got tired of working after approximately 20 minutes, so I go across the street to our house and fill a bin with everything alcoholic that we own. I walk it across the street and we play bartender with all of our goods. At that time, their condo contained: 1 television on a tv tray, some alcohol and a few floor pillows. We watched Madonna's tour on DVD and drank awful mixed drinks. It felt like college all over again, except for the fact that now I'm old enough to actually purchase the liquor myself. The man-wife broke his foot last week, so he washed his pain pills down with some of our drink concoctions. Man-wife got hungry for Indian food, so we drive (safely) to the nice Indian buffet...in our pajamas. We got strange looks, but we didn't really care, because it's Saturday and we just did a few minutes of housework and drank tequila and vodka before noon. The food was good, but it didn't agree with the man-husband's stomach, so he visits the Indian bathroom while man-wife and I got really tickled at our table. It was one of those moments when I just can't contain my laughter (this often happens at the WORST possible times like at church or in an airplane or anywhere else slightly quiet) After lunch, we go to our respective homes and take naps, but not before I mention to them that they could use our mattress for the next few days, since theirs is already packed away. Yeah, gay love is probably being made on our mattress across the street right now. Steve and the man-husband carried our mattress across the street for them to enjoy for the next few days. They were really happy with it. I will not ask questions about the nature of our mattress in their home. Well, I did crack one little joke about it when the husband was not present.

Saturday afternoon: Best friend calls to tell me she will be arriving Saturday night to take full advantage of the beach early on Sunday. I bust out laughing because she has no choice but to sleep in the bed with me and the husband, since the gaybors are using (and probably abusing) our guest bed. HEE HEE! Yeah, we have a couch, but she's allergic to cats and Jackson sits on the couch. I'm no mathematician, but 3 people + 1 king bed = lots of giggles, but a good night's sleep. I'm sure my husband bragged about having two women in his bed at work the next day. Bless his heart! I must say that I have the best husband and best friend in the world! I can't think of many husbands or friends that would tolerate me and my shenanigans, but they sure do!

Sunday: Jenn and I go to the beach pretty early in the morning. We parked in the front row and got prime spots in the sand. We spent a few good hours just looking at magazines and the old man buns on the beach. Our little spot by the jetty had a surfing competition going on, so we had plenty of entertainment. It was 90 degrees, and I didn't last as long as I wanted to. But, Jenn and I both vowed to use sunscreen this summer, and we didn't burn, so it was a successful first trip to the beach!

Monday: The gaybors arrived at 3pm for our cookout/American Idol finale viewing (again)/board game marathon/neighborhood gossip fest. They left about midnight, after 9 (yes, nine) hours of constant laughing, singing and even some dancing. Even the husband had a lot of fun! We played Cranium until we almost wet ourselves. That game is a must for anyone with a sense of humor! Overall, it was a very memorable Memorial Day!

I can't sleep, so this may or may not make sense. Either way, I have hopes of it being entertaining.

So much stuff to tell, so little energy. Here's a start...

I went to Weight Watchers solo tonight, because the husband had to go out of town for the evening. I lost four pounds. Just as an experiment, I weighed myself this morning with wet hair, then took a poo and dried my hair, then weighed myself again. That had a 3 lb weight difference. I don't know if it was the hair or poo, but it was an interesting little scientific study I wanted to try. I've done it before, but without the wet hair part. Sometimes it's just easier to say to the husband, "Dang, that was a 2-pounder" instead of, "Dang, honey! Come look at this!" He doesn't EVER fall for that anymore. I get dreamy-eyed and reminisce now, and say in my head, "Oh, how fun young love was!"

More funny stories about the husband...
A couple of weeks ago, he swapped shifts with a guy at work, so we could fly to Missouri for our nephew's wedding. Yeah, I'm 27, but have a 24-year-old nephew getting married. It does sound weird. Anywho, the husband traded to have a Friday off (Good Friday) in exchange for the next Tuesday. Well, this guy did not discuss this swap with his wife prior to completing the paperwork to make it official. When he told his wife, she was pissed, because she was off work and planned on spending the day off with her husband. So, I was told by my husband that "we" should make cookies for this guy to thank him for facing the wrath of a pissed wife, just so we could attend the wedding. Ummmm... I've been that pissed wife before, and cookies don't really compensate for a stupid husband. So, I agreed that cookies could be made to give to this poor, pitiful guy. I gave the husband a deadline, so he would know when I might be in the mood to make the darn cookies. (Example: Maybe I'll make them Monday or Tuesday or Wednesday or Thursday night. Yeah, Thursday night I'll make them) So, it was like Wednesday evening, and while talking to him on my way home from work, he said that he though we should definitely make the cookies that night. I was okay with that, but I felt sort of pressured, and also felt like the husband might have been pressured or something. Sort of like a child that gets their lunch or lunch money stolen at school. Like, he was told by his coworker, "Get me the stuff by Thursday morning, or else..." I could tell that the husband really NEEDED to give this guy some cookies, so I went along with it. I even got the Kitchen Aid mixer out for the job, so I doubled the recipe because well, we weren't on a diet at that time. I also wanted to officially welcome our new neighbors in my most Martha Stewart-like manner. I ended up with an abundance of yummy cookies, so I mentioned to the husband that I would send a bunch to work with him for all of his coworkers. He looked at me (very seriously) and said, "What would make this special for that guy if you make cookies for everyone?" I told him that I would give him a bowl to take home, but there would be a plate of cookies for everyone. The husband looked at me like I had a third nipple...on my forehead, and said he disagreed. So, I got the largest Gladware bowl I had, and sent a shitload of cookies to work with the husband to give to this man. Deep down, I had the idea in the back of my head that this man would realize he had no business taking ALL of these cookies home and eating them ALL by himself, so he'd give in and share them with their coworkers like my original plan. When I asked the husband how the cookie exchange went, he said that he accepted them, then took him to his car and left them. What? It totally fits into my idea that this man had threatened my husband or something. Was there a wedgie in store for my husband had I not delivered those cookies in a timely manner? Was he going to get shoved in a locker? He's so funny! I hope I got him out of a swirly or something by making the dang ol' cookies!

Gaybor update

So, the gaybors have sold their place and are moving out soon. They were invited to our American Idol party this Tuesday, but cancelled at the last minute, but said they *would* come over for the results show on Wednesday. (uhhh, okay) I confirmed that would be fine, and I received an email response from the man-wife saying that he would make brownies for the occasion. He's been wanting to try my cream cheese pinwheels for a while, so I thought that I would make them, but I didn't mention it to him, because I didn't really know if I would have time to make them. Well, I had mentioned to the husband that they would be coming over, but he forgets almost everything I tell him, especially if it involves gay men coming over. I asked him to pick up the ingredients for my pinwheels on his way home from work, so I could make them as soon as I got home. We even saved enough points to eat a brownie, so we wouldn't be rude to our guests and refuse gay food. I get home, light candles, etc. to make sure our home is completely gay-friendly and inviting. I make the pinwheels really quickly, and the husband eagerly helps with whatever he can. He doesn't even realize that we're having company during those moments while I'm scurrying around making sure everything is perfect. I finally feel that there's nothing more I can do to make our home any more inviting for a gay couple, and I look at the husband and say, "Are you really wearing that* tonight?"
*Flannel pajama pants and a t-shirt with a big smiley face on it that says, "BOOBIES MAKE ME SMILE" He looked at me like he just didn't understand me. I reminded him that the gaybors were supposed to come over and I didn't know if his plan was to scream "I'm a straight man" or what, but that t-shirt definitely did that! The shirt actually makes me smile, but I didn't know if it was appropriate for this occasion. So, it's 8:30, and I'm expecting them to arrive at any moment. Then, it's 9:00. The show is starting, but we have it paused. I love TiVo!
So, I'm a little perturbed that they're late. This is just not like a gay man to be late. So, I march over there to see if they're going to come over. The husband-type answers the door and says that he'll ask the "wife" if he wants to, but they were just settling in to watch it in their living room. What? So, I politely said that they were more than welcome to come over and watch it with us if they wanted to. I knew we wouldn't see them, and it really hurt my feelings! I thought that gay men were better than that for some reason. Why would you practically invite yourself to someone's house, then not show up with the brownies their dieting bodies were longing for? I didn't get an email from them or anything. Hello? Do I need to review the emails where we discussed this little get-together? UGH! So, I have a bunch of these pinwheels that just aren't very point-friendly with our WW diet. Things worked out perfectly, because I made those for our Thanksgiving dinner at work, and my friend had some leftover pinwheels in a cup in the fridge with her name on it, and they vanished. We have an office nastyass that eats anything and everything in sight (labeled or not). So, I took them to the two girls in my office alliance, and they were really excited about the gaybors standing us up, and providing them with a tasty treat.

Weekly Update

This has been a long week, but I am rewarded with a long weekend! We have been painting this week. Okay, it was just two walls, but that's a lot to me and my husband, whose movements mimic the elderly. Neither of us have "Type A" personalities, so we don't get in much of a hurry for anything. We need to get our painting done soon, because our carpet is history in a couple of weeks! Yeah! We're replacing our carpet with wood floors (except for the bedrooms). The husband has been wanting this since we moved in, and I'm convinced that it's the right time to do it. I really miss our house right now, so I'm trying to turn this condo into a home. The red walls really helped. Now, I'm thinking about having my dad paint the kitchen cabinets red as well. It's not bright red. It's closer to a cayanne pepper red or something. The actual color is "Bold Terra Cotta," but it's not orange in any way.

Party time for Peanut Phobes!

I'm not celebrating because those that consume peanut butter are getting sick, but at least I'm not wondering if I have eaten any of the poonut butter myself. Woo hoo for faux peanut butter (Sunbutter made from sunflower seeds)!!!

Valentine's Day

This year, we didn't really celebrate like we have in the past. I think those days are over. The husband buys me flowers a few times a year, but I told him not to this year. I got a new dining room set and we're getting our floors soon, and I was happy with all of that (even though our checkbook was sad...okay, it was sobbing). We did go to the Coastal Grill to have dinner, though. It was packed with old people, like always. My coworker says that's the best sign when entering a restaurant. He says that old people know good food better than anyone else, so go where they do for a good meal. Maybe he's right. That is my favorite restaurant in this town because they always have amazing fresh fish on the menu. I had tuna and the husband got a pan fried trout. It still had its face on, and it was looking at me. I didn't taste it, but I didn't like it. I especially didn't like it staring at me! I don't know why he always has to order something crazy, but he is blessed with that gift. When that happens again, I'm going to make him turn his plate upside down, so his dinner doesn't watch me eat mine.

Panty Raid/Manty Raid

I worked on the husband's new manties tonight, but realize that the letters that I got were too big to put "I Love The Pussycat Dolls" so I just made a pair that said "I Love My Wife." I realized that I had an extra heart and plenty of letters to make myself a pair, and it seemed natural to profess my love for Jack Hanna on my panties. The husband liked both pairs. I think he has an idea that there is another pair coming, and his recent confession will be displayed on a pair of his manties very soon. He knows that I'm going through his underwear drawer and each pair will be personalized before long, so I guess that he's come to the conclusion that they might as well say something he likes. I just hope that the 30 and up crowd that he works with has outgrown the phase of depantsing each other. That would be really embarrassing for him!
* A special thanks to Ed, a friend of Jack Hanna's for stopping by to read the blog yesterday. I'm not surprised to hear that Jack is a really nice guy!
* Mrs. Coach - you will be happy to hear that the iron-on letters are really easy and it only took me about five minutes to make both of them! They're really easy! Don't worry if Mr. Coach doesn't jump up and down when you give his first pair of personalized manties to him. After I gave my husband his third or fourth pair, he stopped rolling his eyes. Now, he just smiles, keeps his mouth shut and wears them with pride.



This is the husband showing off his sweet moves at Dance Dance Revolution. Dan is in the background patiently awaiting his turn, while Jennifer is amazed at his ability to hold his beer while dancing like a professional.

Jenn had her turn to show off, too! Of course, she got a bunch of A's, but later that night, I made my first A in dancing, and there were many more that followed. Carrie definitely got her groove back!

Daniel was a first-timer at DDR, so we have to cut him a little slack. He'll be more comfortable on the dance floor next time. :) I was photographer, but I'll make sure there are some pictures of me dancing very soon!!!

Random nothings

I had to work late tonight, so I stopped by and picked up my favorite treat for dinner - fish tacos!!! It sounds weird, but they're awesome! The ones I had tonight have some sort of white fish, cabbage, tomatoes, onions, cilantro and some sort of spicy sauce on them. Yum! The Cheesecake Factory also serves them, but very different. Theirs have whatever kind of fresh fish they have that day, topped with cabbage and mandarin oranges. My favorite fish is the Albacore on theirs. Everyone should try them once! I got the husband some beefy ones. He had one of mine and seemed to really enjoy it. He's not the fish lover that I am, though.

So, we watched American Idol as we had dinner. Out of nowhere, the husband blurted out that he liked the dark-headed girl from the Pussycat Dolls. It was almost Tourette-like. Like he had been holding it in long enough, but he just had to get it out in the open tonight. I just busted out laughing because it's so not like him to say stuff like that. He knows that I have a huge crush on Jack Hanna and Shaun the diver, but he never shares his crushes with me. It is so hilarious! He doesn't know it, but he's getting some (more) personalized manties (man panties) for Valentine's Day this year. One pair will definitely say "I LOVE THE PUSSYCAT DOLLS!" across his butt. He has some that say "I love my wife" and "I love Carrie" and "Property of Carrie" and he actually wears them. It all started when I splashed bleach on his blue briefs a few years ago. I felt bad, so I made it into a heart and wrote "CB" with a Q-Tip dipped in bleach. He thought it was nice, so I (being me) took it to the next level (some may say over the edge) and got some iron-on transfers and printed up all sorts of things and ironed them all over his briefs. I bought some big, black iron-on letters and some embroidered red hearts to do the special Valentine version of his personalized manties. I will post pictures if Blogger will let me.

DDR (Dance Dance Revolution) Update

We dusted off the dance pad over the weekend while our friends were in town. Of course, Jenn had to show off her fancy moves while I did my mediocre version of dancing while pretending to have rhythm. (I wasn't terribly successful) Keep in mind - Jenn was a club girl in college, while I guess I was more of a club sandwich girl or something. I've never been a clubbing-type person. Anyways, after they left, the husband and I kept dancing and I made an "A" for the first time! I get pretty good after a while. We played again last night. Tonight might bring more dancing. I now have to compete with a Pussycat Doll, so I might have to learn some new, sweet moves or something. HEE HEE! (as if!)

It's been a while...

It may seem like I clocked out for a little blog break, and forgot to clock back in. I know. Shame on me! Only two people have even noticed. My favorite Auntie and her coworker, Monica. Thanks, girls! If nobody noticed, I would probably quit for good. Let me sum up the past month:
We had Christmas alone in Virginia Beach. No visit to Missouri/no visitors from Missouri. We mailed our gifts to them and they mailed ours to us. They were great gifts, but I like to be there in person. Our Christmas tree was on its farewell tour, and that was bittersweet. Just for kicks, (partial laziness) we left it glowing until mid-January. I always say that the Christmas spirit hits me right after Christmas, and I think it does. Then, it goes away about the time that we start receiving our tax paperwork in the mail. That's when I go back to thinking that giving is NOT better than receiving, and whoever says giving is better is full of crap! But, I'm sure we'll come out as givers yet again. Maybe they'll receive a check from me that I swiped through my butt crack. Oh, yes! I'm not above this behavior! I have done it once and I'll do it again. Once, we had to pay $2100 to get out of our apartment. We told them two days after the deadline that we were moving (into our first home), and to break the lease, we had to pay 3 months rent. Yikes! First, it was going to be a cat turd (in a separate envelope), but I decided they needed something better. That's when I decided to stick their check where the sun didn't shine (on me). HEE HEE! I hope they opened that envelope and kissed the check! ICK!

Recent funnies

Salute to the Poot

I really meant to post this story immediately after it happened, but I didn't. The husband and I were at Barnes & Noble right before Christmas. The store is pretty busy, and the husband is looking at one of those Magic Eye books describing what he sees on each page. I was really good at those when I was younger, but all I see now is fish-like shapes in about each one. It could be an airplane or hot air balloon, but it always looks like a fish to me. So, I informed him that I had a little gas (he probably rolled his eyes and said "What's new?" but I'm not sure) I asked him if he would be my wingman and cough a couple of times to cover it up. He fake coughed twice pretty loud (he's not a good actor at all - they were totally fake coughs). It went a little something like this...
*COUGH*...*COUGH* (HIM)...*LOUD TOOT* (ME)
So, my toots were on a 2-3 second delay, and we totally missed our mark...uhhh, I missed my mark. By now, the husband's face is BRIGHT red. I told him that he was fired as my wingman, and he said he was glad. I don't think anyone heard, but who knows! The husband said his coughing only brought more attention to the toot and nobody was fooled by it. HEE HEE! I think people were probably drawn to a grown-ass man fake coughing in the middle of the bookstore. I looked at him as if we was the guilty party, just in case someone noticed. This is one of those times when he and I agree that I belong back in the country!

Poopy Picnic (Proper People Prohibited)

The other night, I told the husband that my poo smelled like a rotten picnic (as I was laughing). I couldn't stop laughing, as he looked at me very confused. He told me that he had never heard of a rotten peg leg before and wouldn't know what it smelled like, and wouldn't even guess how I would know what it smelled like. I couldn't stop laughing to tell him what I had really said. Even after I told him "picnic," he wondered why I would compare my poo to a picnic. I guess I think of picnic when I think about the state parks and the poop chutes in their restrooms. It's just a loooooong bucket that everyone's poo and pee goes in. I guess it gets its smell from the variety of poos that go into it. Maybe I had eaten a variety of foods that day, and I had a "miscellaneous" poo smell as opposed to a "certain type of food" poo smell. I don't know.

New Year's Eve

My bestest friend, Jenn, visited for New Year's Eve. We had adult beverages and danced the night away playing my new Dance Dance Revolution SuperNova edition (DDR). The husband also danced with us. He's pretty good! It's so rude that someone would come into my home and play my game and beat me at my own game! Just kidding, Jenn! She's a much better dancer than me! I got this game for Christmas in an effort to lose weight and have fun at the same time. I know that you can't really lose weight by laughing really hard, or I'd be in some sort of anorexic rehab right now, but the silly game makes you sweat like a pig! It's really fun, but I'm getting tired of the same songs all the time! There's probably 20 songs on there now, but you have to "earn" more. That means dancing perfectly on SuperNova fast speed or something. No, thanks. I'm on the beginner level, and I'll probably stay there! The box says "Over 70 Songs" but I have yet to unlock even one additional song. So, I'm stuck with one song each from Kelly Clarkson, David Bowie, Franz Ferdinand and Cyndi Lauper, then a bunch of strange songs. It's a hoot! When we got tired, we sat down and flipped through a bunch of gossip magazines. Ahhhh...now that's my kind of New Year's Eve! We went out on the deck at midnight and tooted (just when you though I had used "poo" and "toot" enough times in one post) our noise makers and watched the fireworks around the area. Most of the neighborhood was gone, so it wasn't too crazy around here.

Jillian's

Last night, we went to Jillian's at Waterside in Norfolk. It's like Chuck E. Cheese for adults. There's food, adult beverages, etc. and all the arcade games you can think of! We always do the funny ones. There's one that you hang on to these two handles and it sends 3,000 watts through your body. It's really just vibrations that are really strong (slightly painful, but not really) The husband and I held on together once, then I did it by myself once. It's so fun! I got all the way to 3,000 watts by myself. My hands were numb afterwards, but it was so worth it! We also did the motorcycle game, where you actually sit on the motorcycle and tilt from side to side as you use the gas and brake. We did similar ones for race cars, jet skis and a bobsledding one, too. It's just a little bucket seat that you sit in, and tilt from side to side as you sled down a hill with snow plows and trees as obstacles. I wanted to do a horse racing one, but it was out of order. I like this Dunk-an-Alien game that's like skee ball, but you are supposed to hit this moving target, and this alien guy falls down and says all of this weird stuff. You earn tickets with that one. Last time, we used our tickets to buy a bunch of crap. The husband got a bunch of plastic paratroopers, I got a rubber duck, an oversized blow-up hammer, Play Doh, and one of those fart cans. It's the slime stuff that you push down in the plastic can, and it makes some nasty sounds. I don't know where it went, though. This time, we gave our tickets to James. He's one of my students, and he turned 21 at midnight. He bought an oversized pen with some of the ticket. It's about the size of a summer sausage (known as "donkey dick" in my family). Sometimes, things that are larger than they should be are really funny! Anyways, we made it until 11:30 or so, and left the party. He had been drinking all night, so midnight wasn't really going to be a big deal. He was planning on riding the mechanical bull at the bar, though. I wish we could have been there for that. HEE HEE!

Well, I'm sure I'll think of lots of stuff that has happened over the past month and post it later, but I think this gives me a good start to get people's attention and to get my two (three on a good day) readers back to reading on a regular basis. :)

Let's catch up!

It's been a few days since my last post, so I need to remember all of the random and silly things that have happened. Friday night was the university's holiday (in other words, Christmas) party in Richmond. I drove so the husband could use our adult beverage tickets. I have learned to tolerate those people without liquor, so I thought I would do him a favor. He was thankful! The boss was really shit-faced! He even asked the husband for a ride back to the hotel. The husband told him that we drove the truck and we didn't have room. Whew! I did not want to be the drunkmobile driver! We got back to the hotel and decided we would hit a bar or two, so I could "get my drink on" since we were walking from the hotel. I hadn't had so much as one drink in months, so I was ready to have a margarita or five! We started at Sine, a little Irish pub we had been to once when we lived in the city. We got there and it was for a crowd younger than us. Okay, I'm 26 and he's 31, but after being married for five years, you're too old for environments like this one. We each had a drink there, then decided to move on up the street. We then went to Richmond Brewing Co. It was much quieter and for an "older" crowd. I had a fish sandwich and a screwdriver, and the husband had some chicken and beer. Yum! It was almost midnight, and I was seriously pooped! I couldn't stop yawning. My 26-year-old self was tired of this bar-hopping thing. Okay, a company Christmas party and two bars - someone like me can call this bar-hopping. It's just not my thing.
We woke up to the sound of the housekeeping lady banging on our door. Ummm...it's 8am, and checkout time is noon. Why in the hell would you beat on our door like that? We didn't answer it, but I was so mad I couldn't go back to sleep. There was also a child out in the hall running and screaming. I realize that we're not the responsible type that have children (yet another reason why coming up soon...), but parent-type people need to respect our decision to act like we're 21 again one night each year, and keep their child-monster quiet between the hours of 8-11am!
We woke up and got around so we could visit one of our favorite places in the area...Cracker Barrel! If you can believe it, the city we live in now does not have a Cracker Barrel. The closest one is actually over an hour away. We filled up and left awfully happy! We had to stop by the police supply store for some flashlight batteries for the husband. I don't mind going there, because they have guns and such, and the redneck in me really comes out in stores like that. It's like having a date at Bass Pro - sometimes, it just seems right. Next, we drove through our old neighborhood to see our old house. It's still as cute as ever. The people that bought it from us still have the welcome plaque at the front door and the ugly tree is still in the front yard. That poor tree had been through a bad hurricane, and it looked like a big wishbone. Then, we went to Ukrop's, our most favoritist grocery store ever! FUNNY STORY ALERT!!! If you're easily offended, stop reading now. We finished our shopping, and the husband started feeling the effects of Cracker Barrel. He and his body are firm believers in "Out with the old, in with the new." He said he was going to the restroom while I checked out. He was in there for a while (no surprise), and he come out with a big grin. This could have meant many things. Here's what went through my mind: a) no toilet paper; b) toilet clogged; c) someone walked in and laughed and/or puked. I was wrong! He said that he was in there, doing is business and minding his own. There was only one stall, and he was in it. He also mentioned a 1-inch crack in the door. He said he heard the bathroom door open and then he saw a 2-foot person (I'm guessing this was an estimate) come and peek in the stall door. The little boy said, "I gotta go potty." The husband covered his frank and beans and just looked down, ignoring the boy. (I don't know why) The boy paced for a moment, then went back to the stall door and said it again, "I gotta go potty." The husband continued to ignore him. (I still don't know why) So, the little boy paced, then went through the routine one more time, but this time louder and more serious, "I GOTTA GO POTTY!" The husband still ignoring him. (I STILL DON'T KNOW WHY) So, he heard the door to the outside open, and a motherly voice say, "Are you ready to go home?" and a little boy's voice screaming and crying, saying, "NO! I GOTTA GO POTTY!" So, the husband is expecting to walk out of the bathroom with everyone pointing and whispering, "psssst...psssst... he's the one from the bathroom stall..." or a mother waiting outside to kick his ass. If you know my husband, you would understand. He's the kindest, sweetest person ever. He wouldn't want to hurt anyone's feelings or make a child cry, but he had enough of being interrupted in the bathroom, and this poor child had to deal with the consequences. I do it to him all the time. While he's on the throne, I'll say "Hey! What do you want for dinner?" or "Hey! Did you get the mail?" or "Hey! Are you almost done?" I had pushed him over the limit, and this poor child was being punished for it. The husband could have said, "Just a minute" or something, but he didn't. He played dead...on the toilet. I have a feeling this is why we don't have children yet. Each little event like this moves our names back to the bottom of the stork's delivery list, like pushing Sonic's red order button again - it moves you back to the end each time you press it. We're both going to try to do better!

I married him because...

a. He makes me laugh.
Example: I bought a gallon of sweet tea on my way home from work tonight because my parents are visiting this weekend. It's not that they can't visit if we don't have it, but I like to have a variety of drinks when we have any company (okay, so now we have water, milk AND sweet tea - BIG variety!!!), and there's a place that makes THE BEST sweet tea anywhere, and it's on my way home, so I stopped and got some. Most people might go get things like milk and snack food when they have guests, but my must-have is sweet tea! So, the husband had his eye on it, and I told him it was for our guests. His reply was (in his most dorky voice) "Yep. I *guest* that you bought that for me."

b. He fixes things.
Example: Tonight, I made him some espresso with my new best friend (the espresso maker), and a little screw fell out. I mentioned it to him (while it was still hot), and he jumped up (the same man that was too busy and tired from writing a paper to get up and make his own damn coffee) and ran in to see what tools he needed to go get to fix it. I told him it was hot and it could wait a while to be fixed. He said he had to fix it right then. He needs an intervention...right now. I think appliances "complete him" or something. He's at one with our appliances. It's a sickness that he has that makes him unable to function when an appliance cannot function. It's like one twin being able to sense when another is in pain. BUT...my car makes a funny squealy sound, and he's been sleeping okay at night knowing that. Hmmmm....