Peace on Earth and Goodwill towards men...and stuff

To me, this is one of the funniest events I have ever witnessed. Okay, it was the most recent funny event, so it ranks high...VERY high.
It's Friday, and I'm riding the elevator up to my office with a coworker I will call "Doofus." I'm wearing dress pants and a shirt I just bought at GAP, that's just as cute as it can be. I'm looking good and feeling similar. Dang, it's Friday! What's better than Friday? Well, Saturday is. But on Friday, it's the best day of the week so far, so it's a pretty awesome day. I look at Doofus, and he's wearing jeans. We NEVER EVER wear jeans on Fridays. We're constantly threatened that jeans on Saturdays will soon be a thing of the past. *sniffle* So, I say, "Doofus, jeans on Friday?" Honestly, I wasn't trying to be an ass or anything, I just thought I had missed a memo or something. He sort of rolled his eyes and said he didn't even realize what day it was. Ummm...correct me if I'm wrong, but Friday is the first of the cool days of the week. Friday is like Coolest Day of the Week Eve, then Saturday is the Coolest Day of the Week, and Sunday is the official Day after the Coolest Day of the Week. It's not a new concept. I've known this information for years. Almost 28 years. It never changes...unless you work shiftwork. Hard work. You know, 7-3, 3-11, 11-7. We don't work shiftwork in higher education. So, he said that our boss, who I will call "Pissface," would just have to "deal with it." If you knew "Pissface," you would know that he doesn't deal well with anything. And, if I know him like I think I do, "Pissface" is not going to handle this jean situation well. Let me add that "Doofus" is wearing a too-big sweater and clunky Timberland looking lumberjack boots with said jeans. He's what I call "urban." So, I go to my office for about 30 minutes. When I need "Doofus" to check on a student's account for me, I can't find him. So, I ask "Pissface" where he is. He said that he was in the bathroom changing clothes. I told "Pissface" that I had noticed his outfit in the elevator, and asked if Mrs. "Doofus" brought him extra clothes. "Pissface" said that he told "Doofus" he could not wear those clothes on a Friday, so "Doofus" asked if he could look for something that might fit him in the Goodwill box. Ummm...we have had this "Dress for Success" box for Goodwill to give business clothes to those less fortunate who are looking for jobs to get off welfare, etc. It's a great cause, but my boss is the only person that's made donations to it. Not because the rest of us are jerks, but because we work in a downtown area, and have to walk a few blocks from where we park to get to our building, then take an elevator up to our offices. Ummm...you can drive through Goodwill's drop-off area and save yourself a heck of a lot of trouble. So, that's what us normal people do. "Pissface" tells "Doofus" to help himself. "Pissface" is about 5'5" and maybe 240 lbs, while "Doofus" is probably 5'9" and maybe 180 lbs.
So, he finds a pair of slacks (or capri pants, if I'm going to be fashionably accurate) and a dress shirt. He kept the lumberjack boots on to complete this horrific ensemble. He actually wore the outfit all day. I thought that he might go home (about 10 minutes away from the campus) on his lunch hour to change, but he acted like he enjoyed his shopping spree a little. If only there had been dress shoes in the box, if "Pissface" ever mentioned to us that we should spend a day in his shoes, I could chime in and say, "Dude, Doofus already did." :) I think I get such a kick out of this story because when I was a child, my school had a lost and found box, and if you pissed/crapped your pants, then you had to get something to wear out of that box, which thankfully, I never did. Most of the time is was bell-bottom corduroys with elastic waists, which were not cool in 1985. You could tell when someone had an accident because they had stupid looking clothes on. So, had I not known better, I would have thought that "Doofus" had crapped his pants on the job.

Valentine's Day

I told the husband that I didn't want any roses for Valentine's Day, because I was going to see George Strait in a couple of weeks for my Valentine's present. I guess I didn't make it clear enough, because I didn't say "Don't send me any FLOWERS." So, he followed orders and didn't send roses, but sent these awesome purple orchids. He's so cute! I didn't get a gift, which I was happy about. I did get a funny card, which is SO him! We're card people. He got me an oversized Wizard of Oz Valentine with Dorothy hugging the Scarecrow on the front, and the inside said something like "I love you so much I could squeeze the stuffing out of you" I hate to tell him that it's not stuffing. I'm big boned. Really. Then, he wrote something incredibly silly on the inside AND drew a silly picture of himself and Jackson. I got him some chocolates, some new clothes, and a card with sound from Hallmark. It has Shrek on the front, and it says something like, "Guess who's been eating your chocolates." When you open it, it lets out a loud, long belch that sounds just like me. It's awesome! I played it on the phone for my best pal, Laura, and she was totally convinced it was me and not a greeting card. It was almost like a personalized card just for me or something. I wrote a mushy little note on the inside, so I appeared a little more serious. Ya know - get the focus more on Valentine's Day and less on the amazing bodily sounds I enjoy hearing and making.