Two days in a row!!! (and, I'm not going to talk about poop today)

No, your eyes aren't lying (Hips don't lie either, huh BFF Shakira?)

I'm really on a roll, now! I function best in high-stress mode, and that time is now! Midterms are next week, I finally got my thank you cards out from Christmas, Mt. Dirty Clothes is slowly turning into Mt. Clean Clothes, work is chaos, yet I still have time to blog. I think it's just the amount of material I accumulate during times like this!

Here's my day:
(husband sleeps in, because he's off on Mondays and Tuesdays) I start my day jealous of him all warm and sleeping in, even though Saturday and Sunday it was the other way around.
So, this girl I work with constantly talks about food. Food she likes. Food she cooks. Food she eats. Food she thinks about. UGH! I do not have time to listen to someone talk about food all the time! The routine goes like so:
When we see each other in the morning, she normally recaps what she had for dinner the previous night (Some days it's takeout, some days it's home cooked. If it's takeout, I will hear the location of the restaurant and any specialties they had/may have. If it's home cooked, I will hear about the ingredients and cooking method. "Chef" is very thorough!)
Next, she will tell me what she brought for lunch, or what she's going to go get for lunch.
Then, chances are, she'll mention what she's having for dinner that evening, and possibly the following evening, too.

Today's conversation:

Me: Good morning!
Chef: Hi. How are you?
Me: Fine. Did you have a good weekend?
Chef: Yeah. Yesterday, I made chili. It was so good! I brought some for lunch today. Then, she opens her desk drawer and pulls out a Ziploc bag with two pieces of bread in it. See, I brought bread to go with it. (holds up the bag)
Me: I see that. (why in the hell would I not believe someone when they tell me that they brought bread to have with their lunch? I'm a very trusting person. If you tell me you brought an entire loaf of bread to have with your bowl of chili, I'll believe you. You don't have to show me!)
I try to slowly step away toward my office before I scream (not scream for ice cream, either)
Chef: I marinated some chicken breasts for dinner tonight.
Me: That sounds good. (How did "How was your weekend" turn into the Chef Family weekly dinner menu?)
I got out of there without screaming, but it still left me feeling disturbed.

My own lunch story (Uh-oh, I feel a poop story coming on. Sorry for anyone who really thought I could post without a poop/fart story)

My coworker, Doggie Mama, is out of town for a few days. She asked me to stop by her apartment today on my lunch to walk her bulldog. He's a nice dog and all, but he's: a) a humper, and b) slobbery. Did I mention he's a bulldog? That's definitely not my favorite breed. I like all dogs, but the short, chubby, slobbery type is not my type of dog. Child - yes. Dog - no. So, I go over there and I take him for a walk. The entire time I've got the feeling of a really proud parent. My cat, Jackson, is so well mannered, and this bulldog makes me think of him and how wonderful he is! He doesn't jump up on people, he is very friendly and leaves people alone if they want to be left alone. I have started to believe this was normal pet behavior. Silly Carrie! I hope and pray that he just needs to pee and not poo. Oh, no! He's saved a couple of days of crap in that wrinkly body to let out while a stranger was walking him, because he knows she's really not a fan of unfamiliar animal poo (is anyone?). So, he unloads a big dump to make any human jealous. Then, I must use a little puppy poopy bag thing to pick up this strange animal's pile of crap. Oh my! I can't believe I had to do that. I did do it, but I didn't like it! I felt icky for the rest of the day.

Well, throw in a few more random situations (hardly as amusing or entertaining as Chef or doggie poo), and you've got my Monday! Yippee! I can't wait for tomorrow!

Miscellaneous Thoughts

We had a very uneventful weekend, so I'm just going to talk about this and that.

I'm now an organizing whore!

I started to conquer closet #1 this evening (yeah, Sunday night is the PERFECT time to start a major project), but so far, it's going pretty well. I recruited the husband to be my trusty assistant. This way, two of us are left with the responsibility of remembering what the labels mean. For instance, "Man stuff" includes the power buffer (I think that's what it's called), a power drill and miscellaneous forms of tape. Gray tape, electrical tape, packing tape, etc.
There's also a box with miscellaneous "memories" like the Christmas cards we received the year we got married (and each year since), newspapers from important dates (1-year anniversary of 9/11, the day after Hurricane Isabel hit Richmond, etc.), and Jackson's adoption papers. This is something I've wanted to do since we moved into the condo, but have not started it yet. I've been buying Rubbermaid bins at Target and Wal-Mart when I catch them on sale, so I've been preparing for this day for a long time. The week after next is mid-term exams, so I should have a little spare time during that week to finish this closet. We shall see.

Ruvery Nails

I went to get a fill at the little "Lovely Nails" salon down the street. I don't love this place because they don't speak a lot of English, but they do make my nails look "ruvery." When I arrived there this afternoon, they were not very busy. After I picked my color "Berry Berry Broadway" (GAG!), I sat down, and Linda (fake American name) took my old polish off (I forgot its name, but I'm sure it had an equally ridiculous name). She said, "youwan newset?" Uhh...if all the nails are still intact, I think that means that they're still okay. Am I right? I told her maybe next time. We'll see. Maybe some people just love the thought of forking over $35 instead of $15, but that's not me. I don't have time for that. The only time that I will always say "Yes" to an Asian is when we go in a restaurant and they say, "youwan buffet?" HEE HEE!

It's been a while...

It may seem like I clocked out for a little blog break, and forgot to clock back in. I know. Shame on me! Only two people have even noticed. My favorite Auntie and her coworker, Monica. Thanks, girls! If nobody noticed, I would probably quit for good. Let me sum up the past month:
We had Christmas alone in Virginia Beach. No visit to Missouri/no visitors from Missouri. We mailed our gifts to them and they mailed ours to us. They were great gifts, but I like to be there in person. Our Christmas tree was on its farewell tour, and that was bittersweet. Just for kicks, (partial laziness) we left it glowing until mid-January. I always say that the Christmas spirit hits me right after Christmas, and I think it does. Then, it goes away about the time that we start receiving our tax paperwork in the mail. That's when I go back to thinking that giving is NOT better than receiving, and whoever says giving is better is full of crap! But, I'm sure we'll come out as givers yet again. Maybe they'll receive a check from me that I swiped through my butt crack. Oh, yes! I'm not above this behavior! I have done it once and I'll do it again. Once, we had to pay $2100 to get out of our apartment. We told them two days after the deadline that we were moving (into our first home), and to break the lease, we had to pay 3 months rent. Yikes! First, it was going to be a cat turd (in a separate envelope), but I decided they needed something better. That's when I decided to stick their check where the sun didn't shine (on me). HEE HEE! I hope they opened that envelope and kissed the check! ICK!

Recent funnies

Salute to the Poot

I really meant to post this story immediately after it happened, but I didn't. The husband and I were at Barnes & Noble right before Christmas. The store is pretty busy, and the husband is looking at one of those Magic Eye books describing what he sees on each page. I was really good at those when I was younger, but all I see now is fish-like shapes in about each one. It could be an airplane or hot air balloon, but it always looks like a fish to me. So, I informed him that I had a little gas (he probably rolled his eyes and said "What's new?" but I'm not sure) I asked him if he would be my wingman and cough a couple of times to cover it up. He fake coughed twice pretty loud (he's not a good actor at all - they were totally fake coughs). It went a little something like this...
*COUGH*...*COUGH* (HIM)...*LOUD TOOT* (ME)
So, my toots were on a 2-3 second delay, and we totally missed our mark...uhhh, I missed my mark. By now, the husband's face is BRIGHT red. I told him that he was fired as my wingman, and he said he was glad. I don't think anyone heard, but who knows! The husband said his coughing only brought more attention to the toot and nobody was fooled by it. HEE HEE! I think people were probably drawn to a grown-ass man fake coughing in the middle of the bookstore. I looked at him as if we was the guilty party, just in case someone noticed. This is one of those times when he and I agree that I belong back in the country!

Poopy Picnic (Proper People Prohibited)

The other night, I told the husband that my poo smelled like a rotten picnic (as I was laughing). I couldn't stop laughing, as he looked at me very confused. He told me that he had never heard of a rotten peg leg before and wouldn't know what it smelled like, and wouldn't even guess how I would know what it smelled like. I couldn't stop laughing to tell him what I had really said. Even after I told him "picnic," he wondered why I would compare my poo to a picnic. I guess I think of picnic when I think about the state parks and the poop chutes in their restrooms. It's just a loooooong bucket that everyone's poo and pee goes in. I guess it gets its smell from the variety of poos that go into it. Maybe I had eaten a variety of foods that day, and I had a "miscellaneous" poo smell as opposed to a "certain type of food" poo smell. I don't know.

New Year's Eve

My bestest friend, Jenn, visited for New Year's Eve. We had adult beverages and danced the night away playing my new Dance Dance Revolution SuperNova edition (DDR). The husband also danced with us. He's pretty good! It's so rude that someone would come into my home and play my game and beat me at my own game! Just kidding, Jenn! She's a much better dancer than me! I got this game for Christmas in an effort to lose weight and have fun at the same time. I know that you can't really lose weight by laughing really hard, or I'd be in some sort of anorexic rehab right now, but the silly game makes you sweat like a pig! It's really fun, but I'm getting tired of the same songs all the time! There's probably 20 songs on there now, but you have to "earn" more. That means dancing perfectly on SuperNova fast speed or something. No, thanks. I'm on the beginner level, and I'll probably stay there! The box says "Over 70 Songs" but I have yet to unlock even one additional song. So, I'm stuck with one song each from Kelly Clarkson, David Bowie, Franz Ferdinand and Cyndi Lauper, then a bunch of strange songs. It's a hoot! When we got tired, we sat down and flipped through a bunch of gossip magazines. Ahhhh...now that's my kind of New Year's Eve! We went out on the deck at midnight and tooted (just when you though I had used "poo" and "toot" enough times in one post) our noise makers and watched the fireworks around the area. Most of the neighborhood was gone, so it wasn't too crazy around here.

Jillian's

Last night, we went to Jillian's at Waterside in Norfolk. It's like Chuck E. Cheese for adults. There's food, adult beverages, etc. and all the arcade games you can think of! We always do the funny ones. There's one that you hang on to these two handles and it sends 3,000 watts through your body. It's really just vibrations that are really strong (slightly painful, but not really) The husband and I held on together once, then I did it by myself once. It's so fun! I got all the way to 3,000 watts by myself. My hands were numb afterwards, but it was so worth it! We also did the motorcycle game, where you actually sit on the motorcycle and tilt from side to side as you use the gas and brake. We did similar ones for race cars, jet skis and a bobsledding one, too. It's just a little bucket seat that you sit in, and tilt from side to side as you sled down a hill with snow plows and trees as obstacles. I wanted to do a horse racing one, but it was out of order. I like this Dunk-an-Alien game that's like skee ball, but you are supposed to hit this moving target, and this alien guy falls down and says all of this weird stuff. You earn tickets with that one. Last time, we used our tickets to buy a bunch of crap. The husband got a bunch of plastic paratroopers, I got a rubber duck, an oversized blow-up hammer, Play Doh, and one of those fart cans. It's the slime stuff that you push down in the plastic can, and it makes some nasty sounds. I don't know where it went, though. This time, we gave our tickets to James. He's one of my students, and he turned 21 at midnight. He bought an oversized pen with some of the ticket. It's about the size of a summer sausage (known as "donkey dick" in my family). Sometimes, things that are larger than they should be are really funny! Anyways, we made it until 11:30 or so, and left the party. He had been drinking all night, so midnight wasn't really going to be a big deal. He was planning on riding the mechanical bull at the bar, though. I wish we could have been there for that. HEE HEE!

Well, I'm sure I'll think of lots of stuff that has happened over the past month and post it later, but I think this gives me a good start to get people's attention and to get my two (three on a good day) readers back to reading on a regular basis. :)